Couples don't always have the same dreams for retirement,
and it usually takes some negotiating to come to terms with what they're going
to do. When couples have different ideas about retirement, they need to lay
everything out on the table and both partners need to say what's important to
them and discuss whether they can afford to do it, says Pepper Schwartz, AARP's
love and relationship expert.
Many of the decisions are going to be based on your
financial situation, she says. Some people may have enough money to do what
they'd like, while many others are going to struggle to maintain their quality
of life, she says. For many people, the
negotiations begin with a discussion of when to retire. One spouse may want or
need to work a little longer while the other one is ready to call it quits,
Schwartz says.
It's important to talk, talk and then talk some more, says
Mary Karapetian Alvord, a psychologist in Rockville, Md. Talk about
everything, including your expectations for retirement, your "want to-do
list" and your "need to-do list." Talk about what your new
schedule will look like, how you're going to divvy up tasks and how your
identity is going to change.
As you are going through this new stage and adapting to it,
you have to use several basic social skills: Negotiate, compromise, take turns
and share, Alvord says. Fortunately, marriages that have survived to the point
of retirement usually have involved the negotiation of a lifetime of
differences, and spouses have often grown closer in their preferences and more
like each other.
Some suggestions for
couples who are discussing their retirement dreams:
• Create a list of characteristics for retirement that
each spouse desires, Farley says. Categories could include physical living
arrangements, the type of cultural or sporting events you want to attend,
exercise activities you'd like to do, volunteer work and desired proximity to
loved ones.
• Talk with family and friends who would have an
interest in your decisions, Farley says.
• Prudently prune your retirement dream list.
• Carve out some special time when you just listen to
each other, or take turns doing something that the other person really likes,
Alvord says. You may not share the interest, but you can still participate in
it with your spouse.
• Tell your spouse how much you appreciate what they're
doing and offering you at this stage of life, Alvord says. If they walk or bike
with you, then tell them how much you enjoy doing that with them.
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