The Internet is full of advice for adult children who want
to discuss aging issues with their parents. Articles present carefully
worded ways to approach seniors about selling their house, putting down the car
keys or signing up for long-term care. While these are all important issues for
children and their parents to discuss, waiting for children to bring up the
conversation has the potential to leave some seniors feeling blindsided or,
worse, manipulated into decisions they didn't want to make.
Rather than letting children drive decisions on housing, health care and estate
plans, seniors may find it more empowering to be the ones leading the
discussion. Here are five tips to help older parents be proactive and start the
conversation with their children.
Choose Carefully Which Child or Children
to Approach
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to discussing aging issues,
according to Keith Fenstad, a certified financial planner and director of
financial planning with Tanglewood Wealth Management in Houston The
first difference may be who is involved in the conversation. While some parents
may find it makes sense to sit down with their entire family, others may find
it easier to discuss issues with only one or two children. Doris Hall of Byron
Center, Michigan, has five children and chose to talk to her two nearest daughters
about her plans.
Select Conversation Topics Beforehand
Just as the conversation participants may differ from family to family, so too
may the topics. In Hall's situation, she went over finances and health
directives with her daughters. Ultimately, she named her children on her
accounts and set up a Lady Bird deed that will allow them to easily take over
her property and avoid the need to go through probate. However, this approach may
not work for every senior.
In those cases, seniors may want to approach the conversation more broadly.
Fenstad suggests parents who aren't comfortable sharing financial details
with their children at least create a file with their documents and share
where it can be found.
Be Prepared for Objections or Concerns
Having a conversation with adult children about aging can also open the door
for them to express their concerns. Before sitting down with the kids, seniors
should anticipate possible objections and solutions. For example, if driving
may be an issue, seniors may want to consider whether voluntarily giving up
driving at night or on busy roads would be an acceptable compromise. Those who
want to stay in their homes, but are having trouble with upkeep, may want to
discuss options to hire help for maintenance or housekeeping.
Find a Neutral Time and Location for the
Discussion
Emotions can sometimes run high during discussions of aging, and some seniors
may find comfort in bringing in a third party. It may be difficult to have a
productive conversation with adult children who are stressed or grieving. So
seniors may want to avoid having a discussion during high-emotion times, such
as at the height of the holiday season or immediately after a death.
Have a Plan B If Your Children Aren't Up
for the Challenge
Finally, realize not every adult child is mature and capable enough to process
their parents' aging. Adult children could also be irresponsible with the
information shared with them or combative about their parents' decisions. However,
that doesn't mean seniors should go it alone as they age. Parents can turn to a trusted
financial adviser for assistance in developing a plan to manage their
finances as they age. Meanwhile, Ingram notes some senior living communities,
like Sagewood, include health care services and can be a good option for
seniors who don't want to have to worry about children helping to cover those
costs.
While aging is not always an easy topic to discuss, Hall encourages other
seniors to talk with their kids.
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